Nothing is wasted

I have a love/hate relationship with storms. I don't like the rain, but I am fascinated by thunder and lightning. Driving in the snow makes my heart race, but I love watching dark grey snow clouds decorate the sky and I could sit in front of a fireplace with a good book all day long, waiting out the blizzard. And so it goes for the storms in life. When you are in the middle of the storm, it's hard to see anything. You gasp, trying to catch your breath, often wondering why it has to be so difficult and scary. And eventually the storm passes. There isn't always a freaking rainbow. There's usually a lot of damage that we have to work through in order to get back to some normalcy. And although nothing is ever the same, that's not always a bad thing.

Just think, all of those disappointments, heartbreaks, and broken dreams brought you to this exact moment. I am willing to bet that your plans for life looked a little different than your current life. Am I right? Mine certainly did. I was going to either play basketball professionally, become an opera singer or move to a beautiful island to be a missionary with my husband. Obviously, none of those plans came to fruition. I'll be honest and tell you that sometimes I'm still disappointed. I really don't want to play basketball anymore and I am lucky enough to be a musician and sing all the time (without the stress of performances and rehearsals and getting the part, etc). I'm actually glad that we aren't missionaries in the Dominican -- I love it there, but I also love my family and I need them close by!

Still, disappointment gets loud sometimes. I didn't plan to be a young mom. We had our first daughter when I was 18. There is nothing anyone can say to prepare a brand new adult to raise a brand new baby. Parenting is really hard no matter how old you are... but if you are just learning how to "do life" yourself, it's extremely challenging. And putting your life on hold because you are being dealt a new hand can also shake up your world. I didn't ask for mental health issues or an addictive personality. It feels like a boxing ring. Except you have no gloves on. And you're being hit from every side. Eventually you get to a point where you'd like to tap out, except the ref never blows his whistle. No one wants to be overweight and miserable. It wasn't a goal I achieved. It happened over time. Then taking the first step to a better lifestyle is the hardest one. Admitting that you need to change is certainly scary. For most, they are stepping into the unknown and who likes that?! It's just not fair.

This week has kicked my butt. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, ride out the storm on my own. I know better than to do that, but I hate asking for help, and really there isn't much anyone else can do. I have to be the heroine of my own life. I'm not saying that I can do this alone or that their listening ears and broad shoulders don't help me press on. Yet, the decision still has to be mine. I shared with a friend that I'm simply exhausted. I'm tired of fighting all the time. I want a "normal" life. I want a boring past. However, that's not the life I was meant to live. It's this one... full of chaos and struggle, messes and baggage --- tenacity, victory, miracles and strength. Despite how many times I feel like I'm failing, what really happens is that after some time, when the sky breaks, I gain confidence, another chapter of my story is written, one more soul finds their own ability to press on through my sharing.

As my brother-in-law told me, the mess becomes a message. Everything I go through fulfills a specific purpose. All the sleepless nights, the tears as I sob uncontrollably, the anger that rages up from the bottom of my stomach, it all happens for reasons I still don't know. But I am trying to trust that it continues to help others. Sharing the struggles gives them less power over me. So, I share. And believe. And trust. Nothing is wasted.

Great expectations

Did you know that no one expects you to have it all together all of the time? Seriously, not one single person. And if you find someone that ever says that, smack them. That's just crazy talk. And you need new friends.

But guess who expects *me* to have it all together all of the time? ME! Somewhere in my messed up brain, I feel like a failure when we have laundry all over the living room (it's clean and folded and sorted, but that's just not good enough). I feel defeated when the dog hair tumbleweeds appear on our hardwood floors. The dishes overflow from the sink onto the counter and suddenly I tell myself I'm the worst person in the world. My kids argue with each other, wear mismatching clothes or walk into their dance classes 2 minutes late and I think everyone is judging me for being a horrible mom. The budget is tight and the voices in my head tell me I should have gone back to college. I have one really hard workout, I see every tiny flaw in my body or my run is just bad and I tell myself that I should just quit trying. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but if I tell anyone, they will think I suck and that all I do is whine.

Never in a million years would I say ANY of those things to someone else if they were in the same situation. In fact, I would tell them how wrong they were. I would find those beautiful things that make them tick, the unique qualities that draw me to them, the way they make my life amazing and how they are irreplaceable to me. And I guarantee none of the things I would say to them have to do with laundry or sweeping or dishes or being on time or being rich or being a machine.

So quit it. Quit expecting so much out of yourself. And tell me to knock it off as well. At the end of the day, I want to count how freely I lived, how well I loved and how generously I gave. Not much else really matters to God or to me.

Some thoughts from the bar

I quit drinking eight years ago, so I guess that might clue you into the fact that this has nothing to do with alcohol or the local tavern. However, I had some pretty great thoughts today while I was holding a bar during a Les Mills BodyPump class. And they made me feel alive!

Before I get started, let me dispel some of those crazy myths that I'm tired of hearing. Lifting will NOT make a woman bulky. It will make her fit and build muscle. It will make her strong. It might even make her confident and happy. But huge, no. (Bodybuilding is a separate topic we can cover later.) Secondly, it doesn't make us any less feminine. I wore a pencil skirt and stilettos to church on Sunday. I got a ton of compliments and strangely enough, no one told me I looked like a man, so scratch that idea. Finally (for today, anyway), lifting is not dangerous. Honestly, anything you do or don't do can be dangerous. As long as you are lifting smart and listening to your body or your instructor/coach, you'll be fine.

Now that we have all of that out of the way, here are the things that went through my head today during Pump.

 

1. You can do anything for a short period of time.

I went to class today with a migraine. I felt like garbage. Before class even started, I gave myself permission to leave if I needed to. By the time class was half way over, I knew that I could keep going and finish class. Nice try, migraine. I win.


2. Laughing with friends is SO good for the soul.

Today's instructor is naturally silly and one of my closest friends. She always makes me laugh and today was no exception. Between the jokes, the laughing and the dancing, I couldn't help but smile! By the way, dancing with weights is even more of a challenge! Haha!


3. Moms are way too hard on themselves.

Our Tuesday morning class is made up of mostly moms. If you stick around after class or come a few minutes early, many of the conversations that can be heard revolve around what we are doing wrong as parents, what are kids are doing or not doing, and how we wish we could change this or that. Hold the phone, ladies. Being a parent is the hardest job I've ever had! You keep showing up and trying your best. I applaud you... give yourself a break.


4. Not all dripping faucets are bad.

I hate the sound of my faucets dripping. I run through the house making sure they are turned off and then yell at my kids for not noticing. During Pump, I sweat. It doesn't matter if it is the dead of winter or the middle of summer. I am soaked by the time we are 5 minutes into class. This morning, sweat was dripping from my elbows in a continuous stream. Disgusting and satisfying at the same time. That faucet did not need adjusted!


5. You are great.

There is no need to compare your accomplishments to anyone else. YOU are great just the way you are right this second. I can't run as fast as half of the people I know. My weights aren't what they used to be months ago when I was lifting three times per week. I'm not a very good cook even though I took two cooking classes in high school. I am probably the worst housekeeper in the history of mankind. But I'm still great. I run and lift weights instead of eating crappy food and lying in bed like I used to do. I'm a really good mom. I am involved in my kids' activities and I'm always there to support them. I am a godly wife. I pray for my husband daily and we work well together to keep our house running smoothly. (He's a much better cook than me!) And I am a loyal friend. I never want anyone to feel like they are alone. Ever.


And that just shows you that even when you are lifting heavy weights, you can have some amazing thought processes, "pop it" while dancing to GDFR, smile, cry and shower the floor with your sweat. Go do something that makes you feel alive.

My week in pictures

Last week held lots of fun and very little work. People often think I only work out and run in circles with my kids. While that is partially true, here is some proof that I LOVE to have fun!!!


I have these incredible friends. They are true and loyal and hardcore and funny and irreplaceable. We like to eat food together... lots of food! Here are pictures from our brunch last Sunday.

Breakfast burger (Yes, I ate that whole thing!)

And a waffle as my side!

Aren't we gorgeous?!?! 

I made some time to hang out with my parents' dog, Gem. She loves butter mints and sitting on my mom's recliner!

I surprised my nephew at his preschool sing-a-long and went shopping at Target. Happy Wednesday!

Saturday evening was our town's Halloween parade. I enjoyed every minute of the 2+ hour parade, especially watching my kids dance with our studio's group. And of course I ate candy... who wouldn't?!

Yesterday, I was featured in a newspaper article...

...and my family wore purple in honor of a friend's heaven day!

 


 See? I really am just a normal girl.