Nothing is wasted

I have a love/hate relationship with storms. I don't like the rain, but I am fascinated by thunder and lightning. Driving in the snow makes my heart race, but I love watching dark grey snow clouds decorate the sky and I could sit in front of a fireplace with a good book all day long, waiting out the blizzard. And so it goes for the storms in life. When you are in the middle of the storm, it's hard to see anything. You gasp, trying to catch your breath, often wondering why it has to be so difficult and scary. And eventually the storm passes. There isn't always a freaking rainbow. There's usually a lot of damage that we have to work through in order to get back to some normalcy. And although nothing is ever the same, that's not always a bad thing.

Just think, all of those disappointments, heartbreaks, and broken dreams brought you to this exact moment. I am willing to bet that your plans for life looked a little different than your current life. Am I right? Mine certainly did. I was going to either play basketball professionally, become an opera singer or move to a beautiful island to be a missionary with my husband. Obviously, none of those plans came to fruition. I'll be honest and tell you that sometimes I'm still disappointed. I really don't want to play basketball anymore and I am lucky enough to be a musician and sing all the time (without the stress of performances and rehearsals and getting the part, etc). I'm actually glad that we aren't missionaries in the Dominican -- I love it there, but I also love my family and I need them close by!

Still, disappointment gets loud sometimes. I didn't plan to be a young mom. We had our first daughter when I was 18. There is nothing anyone can say to prepare a brand new adult to raise a brand new baby. Parenting is really hard no matter how old you are... but if you are just learning how to "do life" yourself, it's extremely challenging. And putting your life on hold because you are being dealt a new hand can also shake up your world. I didn't ask for mental health issues or an addictive personality. It feels like a boxing ring. Except you have no gloves on. And you're being hit from every side. Eventually you get to a point where you'd like to tap out, except the ref never blows his whistle. No one wants to be overweight and miserable. It wasn't a goal I achieved. It happened over time. Then taking the first step to a better lifestyle is the hardest one. Admitting that you need to change is certainly scary. For most, they are stepping into the unknown and who likes that?! It's just not fair.

This week has kicked my butt. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, ride out the storm on my own. I know better than to do that, but I hate asking for help, and really there isn't much anyone else can do. I have to be the heroine of my own life. I'm not saying that I can do this alone or that their listening ears and broad shoulders don't help me press on. Yet, the decision still has to be mine. I shared with a friend that I'm simply exhausted. I'm tired of fighting all the time. I want a "normal" life. I want a boring past. However, that's not the life I was meant to live. It's this one... full of chaos and struggle, messes and baggage --- tenacity, victory, miracles and strength. Despite how many times I feel like I'm failing, what really happens is that after some time, when the sky breaks, I gain confidence, another chapter of my story is written, one more soul finds their own ability to press on through my sharing.

As my brother-in-law told me, the mess becomes a message. Everything I go through fulfills a specific purpose. All the sleepless nights, the tears as I sob uncontrollably, the anger that rages up from the bottom of my stomach, it all happens for reasons I still don't know. But I am trying to trust that it continues to help others. Sharing the struggles gives them less power over me. So, I share. And believe. And trust. Nothing is wasted.