The H word... and other ramblings...

It's true, I probably swear more than I should. But there is one word that makes me cringe more than any other word. It's the H word. I shiver when I have to say it to anyone. I even stumble over it and try to bite my tongue. It comes from a place of fear and disappointment. No, I'm not talking about hell. I'm talking about H-E-L-P.

Somewhere along the way, I started believing that asking for help made me weak. It scared me -- who wants to be weak?! And thus was born the idea that I have to do everything on my own (and perfectly, I might add.) This has gone on for years and years to the point that I still have trouble asking for help as a 30+ year old wife with three children. My family and close friends know that if they hear the phrase, "I need help," I must really mean it.

Yesterday, I got another tattoo. It's incredible how many thoughts float through my head while those needles are stabbing me. I should blog more. Blogging helps me be honest about what is going on inside me. It leads to healing. I bet it helps other people. I like helping other people. And so on. Suddenly, I wondered if I had lost my internal monologue. "Have you blogged lately?" As she is designing something so intricate on my arm, she asks me a very intense question. No, no I haven't. Life has been rough and I've been isolating.

Several months ago, I started some new medications for my mental health issues. Things have been going fairly well. However, the side effects are intense and frustrating. This makes it even harder to ask for help. I'm fighting my own thoughts in addition to physical things I can't control. I thrive on chaos, but most days I reach a point of being completely overwhelmed. The house doesn't get cleaned, the laundry isn't done, and things get ignored. If you've followed my blog before, you know about the spoon theory... and this is where I run out of spoons. But did you know that when you ask for help, they bring their own spoons?! It's crazy, I know, but it really happens that way. Your true friends WANT to help you. They WANT to bring spoons and make your life easier. Think about it -- when one of your friends needs you, it doesn't feel like a burden. Most of the time I bet you jump on the opportunity because it's just what friends do. Your friends want to do it, too!

I have a very small group of close friends. We met in various places and circumstances. They don't all have the same careers. They like different things. They have other friends, but they all have one thing in common. They love me with all that they have and they'd drop everything to be by my side if I simply asked them. You have those friends, too.

At church this weekend, my priest said, "What is the burning bush God has given to you to get your attention?" In other words, what cross are you bearing, what signs is he sending, what way is God trying to show you your purpose? (And are you paying attention?!) Yesterday I sent a text saying that I figured out the answer to that question. I have never believed that anything in life is wasted. It's either a blessing or a lesson. Each difficulty I've faced lately is allowing me to help someone else, I'm certain. And this is my burning bush. It isn't going away completely because maybe I'm being called to share.

The point of all of this rambling? Use the H word. Be honest. Stop hiding. Help others. Pay attention. Love deeply. Then love a little harder.

It's a tunnel, not a black hole

The thing about life is that sometimes it is so incredibly awesome. And then it really sucks. And then it's great again, or maybe it's mediocre for a while. Suckish. Okay. Wonderful. No matter where you are in your journey right this minute, I heard something very important last week that I need to share.

"It's a tunnel, not a black hole."

The text came through last Saturday morning, before the day even hit the craziest part. I reread it at least ten times before I could really get it. Because when you are in the tunnel and there's no end in sight, you surely wonder if it IS, in fact, a black hole. Mental illness is a nasty beast. It convinces you of so many lies that it becomes impossible to decipher the truth anymore. And so I told myself it's just a tunnel.

My daughter ended up in the ER that afternoon. We were out of town and I was very much out of my comfort zone. Tunnel, not a black hole. We got her taken care of and made it back to our hotel. The rest of the weekend required me to be extra strong for her. I put my emotions on the back burner and pushed through to do what needed to be done. By the time Monday rolled around and we were home again, I sunk into my bed and prayed I could stay there for the whole week. Y'all know the rest of the story. I have three kids. No one has time to stay in bed all week. I spent the majority of my time fighting the hospital where we visited the ER and our insurance company to get everything lined up for my daughter to undergo the next procedure to diagnosis her injury. When the week was over, I had the same thought... can't I just stay in bed all weekend and next week?!

There was a glimmer of light on Friday. I had a really good day. You know, the kind where you almost think you're Wonder Woman without the cape and you cross everything off of your list and still have a little bit of energy left? If you know of the spoon theory, I had more than enough spoons and at least one extra at the end of the day. (If you don't know what that is, you can find a great explanation here.) I don't typically have enough spoons. In fact, most days I run out well before I expect to and then I'm stuck trying to explain why I can't get anything done or why the tunnel feels like a black hole. The spoons reflect the light. When you're out, it's dark.

After one great day, it was back to my typical less-than-stellar spoon delivery and I was in the dark again. This morning, I remembered that it's a tunnel, not a black hole. And I wanted to share that because someone else needs to read that today. You will get through this. Don't go it alone... people love you and want to help you! <3