Somewhere along the way, I started believing that asking for help made me weak. It scared me -- who wants to be weak?! And thus was born the idea that I have to do everything on my own (and perfectly, I might add.) This has gone on for years and years to the point that I still have trouble asking for help as a 30+ year old wife with three children. My family and close friends know that if they hear the phrase, "I need help," I must really mean it.
Yesterday, I got another tattoo. It's incredible how many thoughts float through my head while those needles are stabbing me. I should blog more. Blogging helps me be honest about what is going on inside me. It leads to healing. I bet it helps other people. I like helping other people. And so on. Suddenly, I wondered if I had lost my internal monologue. "Have you blogged lately?" As she is designing something so intricate on my arm, she asks me a very intense question. No, no I haven't. Life has been rough and I've been isolating.
Several months ago, I started some new medications for my mental health issues. Things have been going fairly well. However, the side effects are intense and frustrating. This makes it even harder to ask for help. I'm fighting my own thoughts in addition to physical things I can't control. I thrive on chaos, but most days I reach a point of being completely overwhelmed. The house doesn't get cleaned, the laundry isn't done, and things get ignored. If you've followed my blog before, you know about the spoon theory... and this is where I run out of spoons. But did you know that when you ask for help, they bring their own spoons?! It's crazy, I know, but it really happens that way. Your true friends WANT to help you. They WANT to bring spoons and make your life easier. Think about it -- when one of your friends needs you, it doesn't feel like a burden. Most of the time I bet you jump on the opportunity because it's just what friends do. Your friends want to do it, too!
I have a very small group of close friends. We met in various places and circumstances. They don't all have the same careers. They like different things. They have other friends, but they all have one thing in common. They love me with all that they have and they'd drop everything to be by my side if I simply asked them. You have those friends, too.
At church this weekend, my priest said, "What is the burning bush God has given to you to get your attention?" In other words, what cross are you bearing, what signs is he sending, what way is God trying to show you your purpose? (And are you paying attention?!) Yesterday I sent a text saying that I figured out the answer to that question. I have never believed that anything in life is wasted. It's either a blessing or a lesson. Each difficulty I've faced lately is allowing me to help someone else, I'm certain. And this is my burning bush. It isn't going away completely because maybe I'm being called to share.
The point of all of this rambling? Use the H word. Be honest. Stop hiding. Help others. Pay attention. Love deeply. Then love a little harder.
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