Running out of time

"It's no secret that the both of us are running out of time." -Adele, Hello

Alright, Adele. I heard you loud and clear yesterday. I bit the bullet and mustered up all of the courage inside. And I made an amends to someone. I haven't spoken to this person in four or five years. The actual thought of apologizing and asking for forgiveness left me with a huge knot in my stomach. But those lyrics echoed in my head repeatedly. What if I run out of time and never say I'm sorry?!

Suddenly, I'm realizing that there are lots of things I should be doing instead of waiting around. "Someday" is a word I tend to use a lot. What am I waiting for? For the perfect day? Or the right feeling in my heart? Or a bigger bank account? Or less bills? Or a rainbow or a blizzard? Or when it's too late???

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not telling you to be reckless and spend all your money and go crazy being spontaneous. Spontaneity is my nemesis -- we do not get along very well. I AM telling you that I think we spend an awful lot of time waiting for the "right time" to do things or say things, and then when life happens and we realize we missed the opportunity, we're heart broken. You are the only one who is responsible for your actions or lack thereof.

When I made the decision to start my journey back to health, it was not spontaneous. I remember everything about that day... the conversation I had with my husband, the sinking feeling, the fear, the white flag. Do I wish I had started sooner? Of course I do!!! I had no idea life could be this incredible. But in the same breath that I say that, if I had started sooner, I don't think I would have tried so hard. The desire would not have been the same, the necessity to stop hating myself. And then the effort wouldn't have been equal either. It was my time. I'm grateful I didn't wait any longer. I was already holding on to the knot at the end of my rope.

What are you waiting for? Do you want to start taking your health back? Do you need to apologize to someone for the way your hurt them? What about love? Maybe you need to go after that one person who has always had your heart. Or leave the toxic relationship that you know is not helping you grow as an individual. Or try that task you have dreamed about but have just been too afraid to attempt. It could be as simple as looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are enough... not that you'll be enough when you have this or that, or when so-and-so says so, but right now.

One thing we are not guaranteed in life is more time. Stop holding your breath and waiting for the perfect moment. It isn't coming. Ever. Right now is the time to just do it. Grit your teeth. Clench your fists if you must. But don't wait. We are all running out of time.

You are a super hero!

Do you realize how many brave things you have done in your life? Often when I point out brave behavior to my friends, they shluff it off and act like it is just normal. I do it, too. But hold on one stinking second – every day, ordinary people do super brave things. Once in a while, we acknowledge our accomplishments, but not often enough. So as I sit at the car dealership (in my leggings, boots and oversized sweatshirt, messy bun hair and Tervis next to me – yep, I'm that ordinary) getting my oil changed, I'm going to recognize what I consider some extraordinary behavior.

A: This girl works for a local college. For the past month (almost every since day), she has been traveling alone, visiting schools, participating in college fairs, and doing lots of hard work. She has been living out of a suitcase, yet still being an amazing friend and source of support while she is gone. I can't travel for more than 3 days without becoming home sick. To me, A is brave!

H: She's a very busy girl who works two jobs. She leaves her house early in the morning and usually returns about 14 hours later. Her encouragement of others is absolutely amazing, and her determination is beautiful. Despite the fact that is pregnant, she ran a half marathon last weekend. She continues to work so hard to stay healthy during this pregnancy while balancing her work, time with her husband, and fun with her friends. To me, H is brave!

S: This woman works three jobs, maintains a busy house with three young children, and supports her husband's hectic work schedule. Every day, she reminds me of the most important thing of all – that God is in charge of my day. She started a non-profit this year to honor a friend who passed away from cancer. It has grown exponentially over the course of the last 6 months, but she still has bigger plans in the wings. She refuses to allow fear to hold her back from anything that feels right to her heart. To me, S is brave!

K: K was in a very unhealthy relationship when I met her. It was hard to tell her to leave the comfort of that familiarity, but I knew it was toxic. When she was ready, she kicked him out. She figured out how strong she really was, discovering a new career, new happiness and now, a beautiful new relationship with a man who treats her like a queen. She is always sharing ways that she is downsizing and minimizing clutter in her life. To me, K is brave!

T: T is an introvert. She experiences great anxiety when in public, especially around new people. Instead of letting this paralyze her, she joined a local running group... her health was more important to her! She is also homeschooling her son to balance his Asperger's. She's a godly wife and an incredible source of encouragement to those who are lucky enough to know her. To me, T is brave!

D: After several years of uncertainty and an unused college degree, D applied to go back to school. She has been taking an EMT class and finding what makes her heart happy. It hasn't been easy to admit that her first career choice didn't work out, but she isn't dwelling on it now. Every day, she takes a new step in the right direction. She refuses to be stifled by fear or judgment. To me, D is brave!

Me: Several years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a personality disorder. Some days, I barely notice. Other days, it takes me at least 20 minutes to even swing my legs over the edge of the bed in the morning. I still struggle with the desire to isolate. I don't like to let people into my circle because my fear of abandonment is crippling. And yet, I go to the gym almost every day. I teach dance classes and manage very busy schedules for my three kids while my husband works out of town. I push through my fears and try to reach out when I need help (that's probably the bravest thing for me!) To me, I am brave!

I am sure there are a thousand more stories of people who display bravery daily, even though they may believe that what they do is “normal.” Do you know someone who does brave things? Tell them how incredible they are! And each day, I dare you to celebrate the things you do that are extraordinary. You don't need to be saving the world or fighting “bad guys” to be brave. Maybe you just fight the enemy in your head. Maybe you make it through an entire day without raising your voice at your kids. Maybe you charge forward with a dream and tell fear to take a backseat. Whatever it is, I think you're brave. Keep it up!!!

Journal Prompt :: Day 55

Spend five minutes writing. Set your timer and go!


How are you celebrating yourself today? YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

The last team member

I don't want to ever forget my first half marathon. I decided that the best way to remember is to write about it and blog because why not?!

The Runner's World Half Marathon & Festival was wonderful! The six hour drive was long, but being with my girlfriends made it enjoyable. We sang and laughed and really enjoyed our time together. I tried to relax, but I couldn't do it. I had watched the course video at least 5 times before we got to Bethlehem. I had memorized the elevation chart. I knew there were hills and curves, water, Ultima, and a food station. However, I was still doubting my ability to cross the finish line. I only know a small group of half-marathoners. They trained for months. Some of them still struggled to push through the pain and exhaustion. And I was the last team member to complete my race after a whirlwind ambitious training plan. My heart was heavy with doubt and fear.

We lined up early in the morning. It was 31 degrees... my muscles were shaking. I was so nervous, I kept feeling sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home. What if I couldn't do this?! We lined up just behind the 9:30 minute mile pace marker. I could not stand still. I said some prayers and turned on my music. I set my running app and took a deep breath. Deena Kastor spoke, but I honestly have no idea what she said. And then the National Anthem began. It was the most beautiful rendition I have ever heard in my life. My body stopped completely. I felt a wave wash over me from head to toe, slowly. And then the countdown...

The first few miles were spent (for the most part) next to my coach. Her presence was amazing. I wasn't as scared. My breathing was good. We didn't talk much except for our normal, "You okay?" check-ins here and there. Nothing hurt until mile 3... my knee decided to give out for a quick second, but I wasn't about to let that stop me. We pushed on.

Somewhere around mile 5.5, we hit a hill. I went ahead from her a little. The plan was to stop just after mile 6 at the food station and reunite with her. Surprise -- no food station after mile 6. My head fell. I knew I was going to have to finish the next 7 miles without her by my side. I crossed over the 10k pad and got a beautiful text from my friend. She had been following my progress. Tears streamed down my face... "...you fierce and brave lady!!!"

Throughout the course, we passed at least four or five marching bands. Their enthusiasm was awesome. I high-fived lots of kids, thanked as many volunteers as possible and smiled a ton. I remember a little old lady with her cowbell, holding her cane over her forearm. "Go, runners!" she exclaimed. I laughed so hard and thanked her!

We ran past a cemetery and the guy next to me said, "Run faster, before the zombies come out." Comic relief helped tremendously. We rounded a corner and the sun came out. After running in 31 degree weather for over an hour, I was still frozen. I closed my eyes and thanked God for the sunshine. It felt so good on my face! 

I prayed. I sang. I cried. I talked to my running angel. I heard my coach in my head many times even though we weren't together. I heard my training team cheering in my ear (I love you, Nike Running+ App!!!). I even held up many half hearts along the way when I needed them the most.

Each mile had a marker AND a timer clock. Thank you, Runner's World! And while I didn't have a set finishing time in mind, with each passing mile, I held on tighter to the idea that I could finish under 2:15:00.

Mile 8 was hard. I had taken one bite of my very frozen granola bar around mile 6, but I was running out of fuel. And then I saw them... dixie cups. "Pretzels and gummy bears." I looked in the cup before taking it... RED GUMMY BEARS!!! I ate one, wrapped the cup into a ball and shoved it in my pocket. Onward.

As I approached mile 10, I panicked. I had never run more than 10 miles in my training. What if I couldn't finish? Maybe I should wait for my coach... she could help me finish. Without even a second of hesitation, I could hear her voice telling me that I was not going to stop and wait. I touched my wrist -- I wear two Mantra Bands daily. All I need is within me. Never give up. I took a deep breath and turned my music up a little louder. My playlist suddenly got to a place I had never reached before... new songs were fantastic at that point!

Mile 11 brought the city back into view. The lyrics in my ear said, "Fight like a warrior." I was transported back to the day my doctor said I couldn't run, the walking boot I had to wear, the 8 weeks of no running, all of the tears I had shed, the breakdown that led to my ambitious training. "You're not even tired." The voices in a runner's head can be hysterical. And there she was... a young, smiling photographer. She captured the BEST moment of the race -- love for my Team LeAnn!

I'd love to say that the last few miles were effortless, but they took everything I had. My knee had given out two more times. I was spent. Two incredible women were running my pace for most of the race. I made sure they were in my sight at all times. I appreciate them more than they even know! Sepideh & Shereen, I am so grateful that you were there, running my pace, smiling and lifting my spirits!

One more hill, down and around to the Steel Stacks. I wanted to walk. My legs were hurting so badly. I didn't even think I could make it to the finish line. However, when I rounded the last corner, I saw the flaming arch and knew it was time to kick, no matter how much it hurt.

Kick. I said it out loud several times. KICK. And then I saw the clock. I felt my wings. And I flew. 2:14:32.

I was sobbing as I crossed the finish line. I had done it. There's nothing quite like the finish line... except the medal they put on your neck... and knowing that you are one bad@$$ mother runner... and finally wearing your tattoo proudly because you are, in fact, unstoppable. It was a day for the record books. And a good day to pray. None of this was done by me alone. Yes, my legs carried me, along with God, my family, my coach, my angel, my team and my friends.

Things I'm extra grateful for today (in no particular order):

Friends. True, honest, hardcore friends
Race volunteers
Red gummy bears
Space blankets
Heated seats
Leggings
Open fields and Autumn leaves
Primanti Bros.
Rump Shaker

Journal Prompt :: Day 54

Spend five minutes writing. Set your timer and go!


How will you refill your tank today?

Journal Prompt :: Day 53

Spend five minutes writing. Set your timer and go!


How will you celebrate your biggest breakthrough?

Journal Prompt :: Day 52

Spend five minutes writing. Set your timer and go!


How will your conquer your fears?