It's a tunnel, not a black hole

The thing about life is that sometimes it is so incredibly awesome. And then it really sucks. And then it's great again, or maybe it's mediocre for a while. Suckish. Okay. Wonderful. No matter where you are in your journey right this minute, I heard something very important last week that I need to share.

"It's a tunnel, not a black hole."

The text came through last Saturday morning, before the day even hit the craziest part. I reread it at least ten times before I could really get it. Because when you are in the tunnel and there's no end in sight, you surely wonder if it IS, in fact, a black hole. Mental illness is a nasty beast. It convinces you of so many lies that it becomes impossible to decipher the truth anymore. And so I told myself it's just a tunnel.

My daughter ended up in the ER that afternoon. We were out of town and I was very much out of my comfort zone. Tunnel, not a black hole. We got her taken care of and made it back to our hotel. The rest of the weekend required me to be extra strong for her. I put my emotions on the back burner and pushed through to do what needed to be done. By the time Monday rolled around and we were home again, I sunk into my bed and prayed I could stay there for the whole week. Y'all know the rest of the story. I have three kids. No one has time to stay in bed all week. I spent the majority of my time fighting the hospital where we visited the ER and our insurance company to get everything lined up for my daughter to undergo the next procedure to diagnosis her injury. When the week was over, I had the same thought... can't I just stay in bed all weekend and next week?!

There was a glimmer of light on Friday. I had a really good day. You know, the kind where you almost think you're Wonder Woman without the cape and you cross everything off of your list and still have a little bit of energy left? If you know of the spoon theory, I had more than enough spoons and at least one extra at the end of the day. (If you don't know what that is, you can find a great explanation here.) I don't typically have enough spoons. In fact, most days I run out well before I expect to and then I'm stuck trying to explain why I can't get anything done or why the tunnel feels like a black hole. The spoons reflect the light. When you're out, it's dark.

After one great day, it was back to my typical less-than-stellar spoon delivery and I was in the dark again. This morning, I remembered that it's a tunnel, not a black hole. And I wanted to share that because someone else needs to read that today. You will get through this. Don't go it alone... people love you and want to help you! <3

Nothing is wasted

I have a love/hate relationship with storms. I don't like the rain, but I am fascinated by thunder and lightning. Driving in the snow makes my heart race, but I love watching dark grey snow clouds decorate the sky and I could sit in front of a fireplace with a good book all day long, waiting out the blizzard. And so it goes for the storms in life. When you are in the middle of the storm, it's hard to see anything. You gasp, trying to catch your breath, often wondering why it has to be so difficult and scary. And eventually the storm passes. There isn't always a freaking rainbow. There's usually a lot of damage that we have to work through in order to get back to some normalcy. And although nothing is ever the same, that's not always a bad thing.

Just think, all of those disappointments, heartbreaks, and broken dreams brought you to this exact moment. I am willing to bet that your plans for life looked a little different than your current life. Am I right? Mine certainly did. I was going to either play basketball professionally, become an opera singer or move to a beautiful island to be a missionary with my husband. Obviously, none of those plans came to fruition. I'll be honest and tell you that sometimes I'm still disappointed. I really don't want to play basketball anymore and I am lucky enough to be a musician and sing all the time (without the stress of performances and rehearsals and getting the part, etc). I'm actually glad that we aren't missionaries in the Dominican -- I love it there, but I also love my family and I need them close by!

Still, disappointment gets loud sometimes. I didn't plan to be a young mom. We had our first daughter when I was 18. There is nothing anyone can say to prepare a brand new adult to raise a brand new baby. Parenting is really hard no matter how old you are... but if you are just learning how to "do life" yourself, it's extremely challenging. And putting your life on hold because you are being dealt a new hand can also shake up your world. I didn't ask for mental health issues or an addictive personality. It feels like a boxing ring. Except you have no gloves on. And you're being hit from every side. Eventually you get to a point where you'd like to tap out, except the ref never blows his whistle. No one wants to be overweight and miserable. It wasn't a goal I achieved. It happened over time. Then taking the first step to a better lifestyle is the hardest one. Admitting that you need to change is certainly scary. For most, they are stepping into the unknown and who likes that?! It's just not fair.

This week has kicked my butt. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, ride out the storm on my own. I know better than to do that, but I hate asking for help, and really there isn't much anyone else can do. I have to be the heroine of my own life. I'm not saying that I can do this alone or that their listening ears and broad shoulders don't help me press on. Yet, the decision still has to be mine. I shared with a friend that I'm simply exhausted. I'm tired of fighting all the time. I want a "normal" life. I want a boring past. However, that's not the life I was meant to live. It's this one... full of chaos and struggle, messes and baggage --- tenacity, victory, miracles and strength. Despite how many times I feel like I'm failing, what really happens is that after some time, when the sky breaks, I gain confidence, another chapter of my story is written, one more soul finds their own ability to press on through my sharing.

As my brother-in-law told me, the mess becomes a message. Everything I go through fulfills a specific purpose. All the sleepless nights, the tears as I sob uncontrollably, the anger that rages up from the bottom of my stomach, it all happens for reasons I still don't know. But I am trying to trust that it continues to help others. Sharing the struggles gives them less power over me. So, I share. And believe. And trust. Nothing is wasted.

Great expectations

Did you know that no one expects you to have it all together all of the time? Seriously, not one single person. And if you find someone that ever says that, smack them. That's just crazy talk. And you need new friends.

But guess who expects *me* to have it all together all of the time? ME! Somewhere in my messed up brain, I feel like a failure when we have laundry all over the living room (it's clean and folded and sorted, but that's just not good enough). I feel defeated when the dog hair tumbleweeds appear on our hardwood floors. The dishes overflow from the sink onto the counter and suddenly I tell myself I'm the worst person in the world. My kids argue with each other, wear mismatching clothes or walk into their dance classes 2 minutes late and I think everyone is judging me for being a horrible mom. The budget is tight and the voices in my head tell me I should have gone back to college. I have one really hard workout, I see every tiny flaw in my body or my run is just bad and I tell myself that I should just quit trying. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but if I tell anyone, they will think I suck and that all I do is whine.

Never in a million years would I say ANY of those things to someone else if they were in the same situation. In fact, I would tell them how wrong they were. I would find those beautiful things that make them tick, the unique qualities that draw me to them, the way they make my life amazing and how they are irreplaceable to me. And I guarantee none of the things I would say to them have to do with laundry or sweeping or dishes or being on time or being rich or being a machine.

So quit it. Quit expecting so much out of yourself. And tell me to knock it off as well. At the end of the day, I want to count how freely I lived, how well I loved and how generously I gave. Not much else really matters to God or to me.

Some thoughts from the bar

I quit drinking eight years ago, so I guess that might clue you into the fact that this has nothing to do with alcohol or the local tavern. However, I had some pretty great thoughts today while I was holding a bar during a Les Mills BodyPump class. And they made me feel alive!

Before I get started, let me dispel some of those crazy myths that I'm tired of hearing. Lifting will NOT make a woman bulky. It will make her fit and build muscle. It will make her strong. It might even make her confident and happy. But huge, no. (Bodybuilding is a separate topic we can cover later.) Secondly, it doesn't make us any less feminine. I wore a pencil skirt and stilettos to church on Sunday. I got a ton of compliments and strangely enough, no one told me I looked like a man, so scratch that idea. Finally (for today, anyway), lifting is not dangerous. Honestly, anything you do or don't do can be dangerous. As long as you are lifting smart and listening to your body or your instructor/coach, you'll be fine.

Now that we have all of that out of the way, here are the things that went through my head today during Pump.

 

1. You can do anything for a short period of time.

I went to class today with a migraine. I felt like garbage. Before class even started, I gave myself permission to leave if I needed to. By the time class was half way over, I knew that I could keep going and finish class. Nice try, migraine. I win.


2. Laughing with friends is SO good for the soul.

Today's instructor is naturally silly and one of my closest friends. She always makes me laugh and today was no exception. Between the jokes, the laughing and the dancing, I couldn't help but smile! By the way, dancing with weights is even more of a challenge! Haha!


3. Moms are way too hard on themselves.

Our Tuesday morning class is made up of mostly moms. If you stick around after class or come a few minutes early, many of the conversations that can be heard revolve around what we are doing wrong as parents, what are kids are doing or not doing, and how we wish we could change this or that. Hold the phone, ladies. Being a parent is the hardest job I've ever had! You keep showing up and trying your best. I applaud you... give yourself a break.


4. Not all dripping faucets are bad.

I hate the sound of my faucets dripping. I run through the house making sure they are turned off and then yell at my kids for not noticing. During Pump, I sweat. It doesn't matter if it is the dead of winter or the middle of summer. I am soaked by the time we are 5 minutes into class. This morning, sweat was dripping from my elbows in a continuous stream. Disgusting and satisfying at the same time. That faucet did not need adjusted!


5. You are great.

There is no need to compare your accomplishments to anyone else. YOU are great just the way you are right this second. I can't run as fast as half of the people I know. My weights aren't what they used to be months ago when I was lifting three times per week. I'm not a very good cook even though I took two cooking classes in high school. I am probably the worst housekeeper in the history of mankind. But I'm still great. I run and lift weights instead of eating crappy food and lying in bed like I used to do. I'm a really good mom. I am involved in my kids' activities and I'm always there to support them. I am a godly wife. I pray for my husband daily and we work well together to keep our house running smoothly. (He's a much better cook than me!) And I am a loyal friend. I never want anyone to feel like they are alone. Ever.


And that just shows you that even when you are lifting heavy weights, you can have some amazing thought processes, "pop it" while dancing to GDFR, smile, cry and shower the floor with your sweat. Go do something that makes you feel alive.

My week in pictures

Last week held lots of fun and very little work. People often think I only work out and run in circles with my kids. While that is partially true, here is some proof that I LOVE to have fun!!!


I have these incredible friends. They are true and loyal and hardcore and funny and irreplaceable. We like to eat food together... lots of food! Here are pictures from our brunch last Sunday.

Breakfast burger (Yes, I ate that whole thing!)

And a waffle as my side!

Aren't we gorgeous?!?! 

I made some time to hang out with my parents' dog, Gem. She loves butter mints and sitting on my mom's recliner!

I surprised my nephew at his preschool sing-a-long and went shopping at Target. Happy Wednesday!

Saturday evening was our town's Halloween parade. I enjoyed every minute of the 2+ hour parade, especially watching my kids dance with our studio's group. And of course I ate candy... who wouldn't?!

Yesterday, I was featured in a newspaper article...

...and my family wore purple in honor of a friend's heaven day!

 


 See? I really am just a normal girl.

Running out of time

"It's no secret that the both of us are running out of time." -Adele, Hello

Alright, Adele. I heard you loud and clear yesterday. I bit the bullet and mustered up all of the courage inside. And I made an amends to someone. I haven't spoken to this person in four or five years. The actual thought of apologizing and asking for forgiveness left me with a huge knot in my stomach. But those lyrics echoed in my head repeatedly. What if I run out of time and never say I'm sorry?!

Suddenly, I'm realizing that there are lots of things I should be doing instead of waiting around. "Someday" is a word I tend to use a lot. What am I waiting for? For the perfect day? Or the right feeling in my heart? Or a bigger bank account? Or less bills? Or a rainbow or a blizzard? Or when it's too late???

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not telling you to be reckless and spend all your money and go crazy being spontaneous. Spontaneity is my nemesis -- we do not get along very well. I AM telling you that I think we spend an awful lot of time waiting for the "right time" to do things or say things, and then when life happens and we realize we missed the opportunity, we're heart broken. You are the only one who is responsible for your actions or lack thereof.

When I made the decision to start my journey back to health, it was not spontaneous. I remember everything about that day... the conversation I had with my husband, the sinking feeling, the fear, the white flag. Do I wish I had started sooner? Of course I do!!! I had no idea life could be this incredible. But in the same breath that I say that, if I had started sooner, I don't think I would have tried so hard. The desire would not have been the same, the necessity to stop hating myself. And then the effort wouldn't have been equal either. It was my time. I'm grateful I didn't wait any longer. I was already holding on to the knot at the end of my rope.

What are you waiting for? Do you want to start taking your health back? Do you need to apologize to someone for the way your hurt them? What about love? Maybe you need to go after that one person who has always had your heart. Or leave the toxic relationship that you know is not helping you grow as an individual. Or try that task you have dreamed about but have just been too afraid to attempt. It could be as simple as looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are enough... not that you'll be enough when you have this or that, or when so-and-so says so, but right now.

One thing we are not guaranteed in life is more time. Stop holding your breath and waiting for the perfect moment. It isn't coming. Ever. Right now is the time to just do it. Grit your teeth. Clench your fists if you must. But don't wait. We are all running out of time.

You are a super hero!

Do you realize how many brave things you have done in your life? Often when I point out brave behavior to my friends, they shluff it off and act like it is just normal. I do it, too. But hold on one stinking second – every day, ordinary people do super brave things. Once in a while, we acknowledge our accomplishments, but not often enough. So as I sit at the car dealership (in my leggings, boots and oversized sweatshirt, messy bun hair and Tervis next to me – yep, I'm that ordinary) getting my oil changed, I'm going to recognize what I consider some extraordinary behavior.

A: This girl works for a local college. For the past month (almost every since day), she has been traveling alone, visiting schools, participating in college fairs, and doing lots of hard work. She has been living out of a suitcase, yet still being an amazing friend and source of support while she is gone. I can't travel for more than 3 days without becoming home sick. To me, A is brave!

H: She's a very busy girl who works two jobs. She leaves her house early in the morning and usually returns about 14 hours later. Her encouragement of others is absolutely amazing, and her determination is beautiful. Despite the fact that is pregnant, she ran a half marathon last weekend. She continues to work so hard to stay healthy during this pregnancy while balancing her work, time with her husband, and fun with her friends. To me, H is brave!

S: This woman works three jobs, maintains a busy house with three young children, and supports her husband's hectic work schedule. Every day, she reminds me of the most important thing of all – that God is in charge of my day. She started a non-profit this year to honor a friend who passed away from cancer. It has grown exponentially over the course of the last 6 months, but she still has bigger plans in the wings. She refuses to allow fear to hold her back from anything that feels right to her heart. To me, S is brave!

K: K was in a very unhealthy relationship when I met her. It was hard to tell her to leave the comfort of that familiarity, but I knew it was toxic. When she was ready, she kicked him out. She figured out how strong she really was, discovering a new career, new happiness and now, a beautiful new relationship with a man who treats her like a queen. She is always sharing ways that she is downsizing and minimizing clutter in her life. To me, K is brave!

T: T is an introvert. She experiences great anxiety when in public, especially around new people. Instead of letting this paralyze her, she joined a local running group... her health was more important to her! She is also homeschooling her son to balance his Asperger's. She's a godly wife and an incredible source of encouragement to those who are lucky enough to know her. To me, T is brave!

D: After several years of uncertainty and an unused college degree, D applied to go back to school. She has been taking an EMT class and finding what makes her heart happy. It hasn't been easy to admit that her first career choice didn't work out, but she isn't dwelling on it now. Every day, she takes a new step in the right direction. She refuses to be stifled by fear or judgment. To me, D is brave!

Me: Several years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a personality disorder. Some days, I barely notice. Other days, it takes me at least 20 minutes to even swing my legs over the edge of the bed in the morning. I still struggle with the desire to isolate. I don't like to let people into my circle because my fear of abandonment is crippling. And yet, I go to the gym almost every day. I teach dance classes and manage very busy schedules for my three kids while my husband works out of town. I push through my fears and try to reach out when I need help (that's probably the bravest thing for me!) To me, I am brave!

I am sure there are a thousand more stories of people who display bravery daily, even though they may believe that what they do is “normal.” Do you know someone who does brave things? Tell them how incredible they are! And each day, I dare you to celebrate the things you do that are extraordinary. You don't need to be saving the world or fighting “bad guys” to be brave. Maybe you just fight the enemy in your head. Maybe you make it through an entire day without raising your voice at your kids. Maybe you charge forward with a dream and tell fear to take a backseat. Whatever it is, I think you're brave. Keep it up!!!